I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
