I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
