saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
