oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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