Got a toothbrush?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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