I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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