if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Randomize
