U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
