dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
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it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
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As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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