dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
