Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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