He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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