i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize