Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
