bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she peed on how many people?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
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he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
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I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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