I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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