Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
