I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
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Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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