Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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