Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
