I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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