i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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