My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
