do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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