the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
