Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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