He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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