well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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