dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Randomize
