So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
