So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
