He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
