I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize