Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
