if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
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Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.