Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.