dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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