dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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