someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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