Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
