the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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