By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
