Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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