i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms