You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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