Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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