I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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