im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
