So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
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boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i black out too much to be "responsible"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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