i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
