That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me