is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
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He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
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whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid