Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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