Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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