Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
