The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
