she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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