she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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