the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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